A few weeks ago I took a week off from seeing my friends. Immediately following that, I took a short break from social media as well. Here’s why:
I hang out with 3-5 friends a week, having coffee, chatting and doing the mom thing together. That’s a lot of friend time, I know. But for my personality it’s really vital! But for about a week before my friendship and internet hiatus, I started having a lot of anxiety around my friendships. I was imagining conflict that wasn’t there, I was reading into everything my friends were saying, I was over-analyzing all my interactions – I was just anxious.
I started to wonder if maybe all my friends were secretly mad at me; maybe I had did something to offend them all and I just didn’t know?? After talking my anxieties through with my level-headed husband, I realized that the thing I was looking for in all my relationships -low-maintenance friendships that flow naturally, without pressure or tons of misunderstanding or miscommunication – was the exact opposite of how I was acting. I realized that I was the one being high maintenance, putting pressure on my friendships, and misunderstanding everything. And that it was all in my head.
But why?? Why was I suddenly feeling so insecure in all of my relationships? I gave it some thought and realized, simply, that I felt insecure. I felt inadequate. And because I hadn’t worked through these feelings, I was projecting them onto my friendships. I was feeling as if my friendships weren’t enough, when in reality – I didn’t feel like I was enough.
So I took a break. I decided to step back for a week, fill up my own cup, and practice being present and comfortable with myself. And it helped! After a week of being at home, going for walks, and being a more present mom, I felt more secure and more satisfied. But then, on Sunday night, I had another epiphany.
I was playing outside on the snow hill in our yard (yes, like a child) when I lay down at the top of the hill and and looked up at the sky,and my first thought was: “I should’ve brought my phone out here so I could post about this”. And then I immediately began writing captions in my head. Captions about being #blessed, #inthemoment, #Imsopresent, when in reality I was IN MY HEAD. This is something I’ve noticed a lot recently. Whenever I’m in a moment of gratitude / joy / stillness, I immediately think about how I could share it with others (IRL, or online), and therefore leave the moment. Not so present after all…
So I took a few deep breaths, outside in the snow, and said my mantra:
I am here. Here I am.
I slowed down, quieted my mind, and meditated on the reality that just me, by myself, enjoying a moment, is enough. I don’t need anyone else in a moment with me for it to be valuable. I am enough.
And that’s when I realized, that even by taking a week off from spending so much good quality time with my fantastic friends, I hadn’t really solved the problem. I was still using social media as an outlet for the same issue: seeking external validation, expecting others to make me feel like I am enough, that my days are important, that I have value.
So I took a day off from social media. Not even a full day – like 18 hours (lol). But it helped! It slowed me down, helped me feel even more present. Helped me remember: I am enough. You are enough.
And when we enter into our friendships and our online spaces from a place of worthiness and enough-ness, we are all better for it.
p.s. Aren’t my girls gorgeous?! Love you ladies ❤